(=

I Know

one day you won't be happy with me (We're both changing too much, too quickly)

And when that day comes I'll realize yet again:

memory will always be infinitely more lovely than reality.

ThoughtDuJour

I hate that you were my first love.

I. Am. Drained. Of. Energy.

EFF #1-- meeting his mom blew. She's fluent in Urdu, I'm fluent in English, and we both feel uncomfortable when speaking the respective other. She thinks I'm handicapped.

EFF #2-- He has a CRISE DE CONSCIENCE, freaks the hell out and breaks up with me. At least that's what it felt like. We were almost done, and he had to choose between right (God) and wrong (me). "What we're doing isn't right, it's against our religion, and we're living a lie."

I mean, in a battle between GOD and ME, GOD ALWAYS WINS.

There goes my fairytale.

EFF #3-- I wait all day for his decision, and knowing it's over and BAM; He changes his mind. He thinks if our intentions are good (which they were) and our feelings are strong (which they were) and a whole bunch of things (which they were) we can make it.

Any normal person would be happy, but

EFF #4-- I used to feel like we were stable and nothing could hurt us, but now every time we figh. t I'm going to think we're overThe same things dont make me smile like we used to, and I don't want to say I LOVE YOU TOO because what if he lied the first time around?

Letters

I found a letter a few hours ago.

"I miss you.

Please come save me.

I love you.

And I hope you still love me back."

It was for Ajaxx, when I was confined to my bedroom because of our relationship.

I never sent it.

Thank God, because

If I could go back and slap my self, I would.

Freakouttime

k, ready?

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'm helping out with this Eid Bazaar thing where she's selling a bunch of the clothing she's brought from Pakistan. Even though she doesn't know of our best friend-ness, or the fact that we even know each other, the fact remains that

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (=

This is the first time in my entire life that I'm looking forward to meeting parents. I wasn't with anyone one elses parentals, but this one's different. It's just that he talks about her in the most wonderful way, it's actually the cutest thing. And I want to get to know her, because of the way he speaks about her. And you know what?

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

I'M SO EXCITED BECAUSE I'M MEETING HIS MOM!

Update

I wanted to freak out over something else, but I realized no one would understand. So..

Update:

I went to a Khutbah (religious sermon). It scared the crap out of me.

So basically, every sin you commit puts a little, miniscule black spot on your heart. But the more you commit the same sins, the bigger the original spots become. Say you've told a lie in your life, BAM. Spot. Say you've lied again, it just keeps growing. But then if you've hurt another person, BAM, spot. And if you hurt again, it just keeps growing. The part that scares me is that the spots over lap. The blackness keeps growing over your heart, and you develope layers.

It gets worse. When your entire heart turns black, you start thinking the sins aren't "that bad". As in, yeah, my religious book says it's totally against every rule, but...it's not "that bad".

When your entire body has turned black from the inside, you start thinking it's absolutely fine. No problem. A-OK.

Now i know this is supposed to be metaphorical. But effff, it scared me. It scared me so so so badly. I started freaking out. I got home and broke it off with Colgate.

...But we're still best friends. Who hug and say "I love you" -- But that's it. Nothing more. What so ever. BLUHHGG.

No more badass me.

Just me...and my boy best friend. Colgate and I are decidedly best friends. Nothing else. Yeah.

~~~

My sister's leaving in less than two weeks. I've resorted in spending all my time with her as possible. I wish I could follow her around the city, but that'd just be creepy. And I have to seem like it's no bid deal, because the truth is -It's the biggest deal ever. But being emotional and sappy about it isn't going ot change the fact that she's going to Law school.

YAAAY, SHE'S SUCCESSFUL. AND HAPPY. AND FREE.

Way to be, sister. I will miss you like a mofo, but way to be-awesome. I love you. x a million.

~~~

I'm kinda sorta obsessed with Dexter, this tv show.

Basically this guy was found at a crime scene at age three, and was addopted by the police officer who found him. He grows up wanting to kill people. Like, legit, wanting to murder them. But the police officer notices these tendencies, and teaches him "The Code Of Harry" (Harry = popo). Now dexter, all grown up, is a serial killer. Cept he only kills the bad guys, the guys who deserve it.

It's super witty, and really compelling. I may make it sound screwed up - because it is - but it's actually super brilliant. check it out, I JUST finished the season 1 final and my mind was BLOWN.

WinnieThePooh

ThoughtDuJour

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

apodyopsis

The act of mentally undressing someone

Oh how I am familiar with this....

HA!

just kidding. (but not really. He's quite the eye candy)

Cheers

Cheers to tingling mists and a cooling breeze.

To sand between your toes and salty hair.

To laying in hammocks and hearing the birds sing.

To finding happiness in simple pleasures.

To putting a smile on your face, and mine.

cheers, to love,

cheers, my love.

SoBasically...

I feel

disgusting

because

of you

The thing is, I hate missing people.

And it seems that, I miss you every single night.

Now that might seem perfectly normal, but two nights ago I started crying because of it. Not normal in the least.

and then I stopped, because I felt desperate and weak and not ...me.

That's bad, because that makes me want to distance my self from you, even tho I miss you. Ironic, isn't it?

I'm a mess. This is not becoming. Please come give me a hug.

1000Moments

how lucky am I?

ajf;lasjfla;jf I LOVE THIS WONDERFUL PERSON!

Moment #3: FB Inbox Convos

---- 28 June at 4:48

Dear Chashmish,
I just prayed a little while ago and now I can't fall asleep cuz I can't stop thinking bout you. I can't stop thinking bout your love for me, your care, your ability to make me smile with a single hi. You're the best thing to have ever happened to me cuz not only are you the most caring and loving girlfriend, you are also an amazing friend and I don't know wat I'd do without you. Honestly I'm so so so lucky to even have you in my life cuz you just somehow seem to make everything so much better by just being a part of it. I don't think you can ever imagine exactly how much I love you so I guess I'll just have to show you in the time to come. You make me so happy that sometimes I actually wanna go out and tell the world look that's my girl right there, ya be jealous :P. But obviously I can't right now so I'm just gonna wait till people can accept us :). Tbh I actually feel like shit sometimes cuz I can't take you out and show my love and you have no idea how much it means to me that you're so understanding bout that. So I promise you, once we're able, I'll take you out on the nicest dates and we'll have soo much fun!! For now just trust me when I say I love you with all my heart :) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Sent via Facebook Mobile

if thw

ThoughtDuJour

I act like I hate your friends, but it's cause i'm jealous. I get to see you breifly in the mornings when I try to sneak into your room with out waking you (and usually failing) to borrow shoes, and when you sneak into my room with out waking me (and usually failing) to return something you borrowed.

you're such a ghost, and I resent that you spend so much time out side while I sit listening for the door to see if maybe you've come home early. I miss you a alot, and I don't deal well with that; so I end up hating you.

If asked how to sum you up, i wouldn't know how.

you smell like japanese cherry blossom?

you are idiotically generous?

you have the most amazing sense of style?

you give really horrid hugs?

you play kickass uno games?

you have a mesmerizing singsong voice?

you give good advice?

you have an annoying sense of right and wrong?

you can be incredibly self rightious?

you have uncontrolable emotions?

you take responsibility to a whole new level?

you can be an incredible support/deterent?

you are my sister.

and I will miss you far too much when you leave.

I'm not going to tell you, because you'll feel guilty and inclined to stay; you'll say its to protect me from them until I, too, can move out.

But I wont say a thing, because youd deserve to live your life for you, you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to have freedom after living here with us so long.

While you're out making wedding plans, romancing with him, going to university and discovering what you want, i'll be at home, wishing i could play another game of uno and let you win, for once.

I just really hope that you visit often enough that I wont resent you for leaving.

ThoughtDuJour

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

- Texts From Last Night

1000Moments

Select: All, Read, None

Show:AllUnread

Moment #2: FB Inbox Convos

between ------ and You
31:May at 22:00

how was yer sleep
-------31 May at 22:07
This might be totally random but you make me unbelievably happy <33333

your random compliments are often and confusing. and it's the most pleasantly surprising part of "us".

[I ----ed out the names]

:::(iamnot):::
Complete

- Edward Scissorhands

Sage

He builds and reshapes every emotion into anger and it crashes into hers until both of them are shaking in hate-joy. It's more beautiful than hope.

1000Moments

Moment #1) ferrero rocher
when you gave me my favorite chocolates as a present for getting my braces off.

you are so thoughtful. It continuously amazes me.

5/25/'10

Islands::TheXX

this is how spectacular music videos are done.
Old song, new visual.

Abstract

Love, love, & Desolation,
grow calmly like a lazy breeze,
die calmly like a lively sun,
death is a rainy mist.

CheckMarks&Xs

Check List, True or False
i want to. (Vrai)
you want to . (Vrai)
we both want to . (Vrai et Vrai )
but no matter how much you say you won't, (Vrai)
i know you're going to regret it . (Faux)
and i don't want to be a regret . (Vrai)


by far the most complicated person in my life.

Brilliance

'm currently exploring a blog. I know I just wrote about it, but still; I love this.

Someone

Some people say that there’s someone for everyone, but what if my someone dies?

“Then you have another someone.”

But what about their someone? Did they die too?

---Kat, check her out at http://juiceface.tumblr.com/page/2

ThoughtDuJour

HEY YOU!

it's a miracle you're on my blog, and I thank you dearly,

but this is
My Best Friend In The Entire World
's blog.

they say red is passionate, so i'm hoping that'll catch your attention.
tadahhh!
checkkit!
she's ten times more brilliant than i ever will be. you might enjoy this.

http://juiceface.tumblr.com/

UsedToBeOneOfTheRottenOnes

Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Romeo&Juliet

i've been doing Shakespeare for the last semester, and turns out Juliet is loose and Romeo's a woman on the inside.

before i start watching six hours of two different R&J films, i wrote this;
enjoy the crudeness.

once upon a time there was a seventeen year old boy who wanted a girl to get in bed with him. she refused, and he started crying. then his druggy friends and him crashed a party, where he saw a gorgeous girl. he wanted her, but she said only when we start dating.
they couldn't date out right so they kept it a secret, and they did it when he finally asked her out. and then her friends wanted her to go out with someone else, but she refused and started crying.
both of them threatened to kill them selves several times, until they over dosed on drugs and alcohol and died. the end.

BucketList

at some point in my life,
i'd like a boy,
to bring me,
flowers.

in the pouring rain.







that'd be pretty rad.

+/-

GENIUS CHILD by Langston Hughes

This is a song for the genius child.
Sing it softly, for the song is wild.
Sing it softly as ever you can ---
Lest the song get out of hand.
Nobody loves a genius child.

Can you love an eagle,
Tame or wild?
Wild or tame,
Can you love a monster
Of frightening name?
Nobody loves a genius child.

Kill him - and let his soul run wild

I Met The Walrus

In 1969, a 14-year-old Beatle fanatic named Jerry Levitan snuck into John Lennon's hotel room in Toronto and convinced him to do an interview. 38 years later, Levitan, director Josh Raskin and illustrators James Braithwaite and Alex Kurina have collaborated to create an animated short film using the original interview recording as the soundtrack.

OhTakeAllThesePleasuresAway

For I Have Sinned

That touch ---(I can't escape)
And eyes ---(that drill my soul with meaning)






Oh, I know I can't escape you.

ThoughtDuJour

are you okay?





|| always ||

(=

NINE

3/9

scratchh that, 4/4 because you have selective amnesia.

1) you're too serious
2) you're clingy
3) you run away from facts.
4) you were never honest about if you were okay.
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)

YouGiveTheBest

Hugs, in the history of all hugs.




---haaaappppyyyy (=

OompaLoompa

Oompa Loompa doompety doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at, getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
I don't like the look of it

Oompa Loompa doompety da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompety do
Doompety do

Oompa Loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompedah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile
But it's repulsive, revolting and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
The way that a cow does

Oompa Loompa doompety da
Given good manners you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompety do

Oompa Loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame
The mother and the father

Oompa Loompa doompety da
If you're not spoiled then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompety do

Oompa Loompa doompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompedah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get from a glut of TV
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three
Why don't you try simply reading a book
Or could you just not bear to look
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no commercials

Oompa Loompa doompety da
If you like reading you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the - Oompa -
Oompa Loompa doompety do

Hospital

And the life is just pouring out of him. Literally. It’s staining the walls and there’s a puddle on the floor and all he can do is laugh, the sick bastard. I know that the ladies in the white suits are going to rush through that door in about thirty seconds, but for the next twenty nine he just sits there and laughs and I think he’s crying but it’s not from the pain.

It’s from the exhilaration.




And that’s when I first thought I wanted a taste of that freedom.

ThoughtDuJour

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

ThoughtDuJour

you seem to think you're immune to the frost
please take your medicine
please take your blanket
remember to smile?

remember to avoid the cracks in the pavement,
dont fall into those.
you're too beautiful to hold back.
too precious to let go.
so addicting.

just leave.

JustOneOfThoseDays

take a leaf and tear it in half
until there's nothing but shreds
feel the power in your fingers
wait for the feeling to spread

take a soul and cut a line
down the middle with a knife
feel the pressure float away
that's how you take a life

relax a little find a photo
decide it isn't worth shit
light a fire throw it in
and take another hit

and another and another
until you can't stand no more
take a dive and wait to be found
pale, washed up on shore

NINE

3/9

1) you're too serious
2) you're clingy
3) you run away from facts.
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)

ThoughtDuJour

sometimes i still need you.
rarely but it still happens.

and when it does it ruins my day.
thanks, corporate.

ThoughtDuJour

&It's... not like we're enemies, but for sure we're now strangers.

-- Saba Jamal

ThoughtDuJour

two days ago in the lines between the ink of a newspaper:

She's done worse. She's gone far and beyond where she was supposed to stay. And eve tho she's had a taste of extreme she doesn't want that from you. Cause you're different.

She'd feel evil, corrupting someone so good by asking something so bad. She can't even fathom the thought. It just doesn't occur to her. Except for very late at night. And even then it seems so incredibly inhumane that the though quickly integrates into sweeter things.

More innocent things. A smile in the hall, a conversation. If she wants to indulge her self she imagines walking towards him and getting a hug. The most daring thought would be a peck on the cheek, and a smile so close she could look straight into his eyes and see all his emotions play out.

She doesn't allow other fantasies to screen and shutter behind her eyes because suddenly all that seems so wrong and crude. She only wants the most innocent things from him. Only the Sweetest.

ThoughtDuJour

eight days ago on a spare napkin:

you know that little bit of hope for something incredibly unlikely to happen? I've never had that happen before. I always thought i twas useless and stupid and I felt superior to those sad people who depended on it to be able to sleep a night.
And now I'm one of them.
It's pathetic.

Musing

I’m happy. Life is good. Finally over Ajaxx. Colgate likes me. And for once I’m content being single on Vday because I’m not yearning for anyone.

Colgate: Fit. Built. Nice smile. Gorgeous lips. Brown eyes. Black fauxhawk. Brown kid. Dresses fit. Like super fit. Except for his hobo hat. Older. Kind. Virtuous. Really effing virtuious. Incredible self control. Fit. Smart. Fit.


There’s that little issue of how he doesn’t date because he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents and Allah. Untouchable. Also that he only recently reformed (around last year) and used to date a really great girl, who’s still heart broken. Off limits.


Here’s a first – my mates actually think he’s attractive. Unlike what they think of the rest of my exs. Hoorahh !


Even past all that, I like talking to him and making him smile and joking around. Yeah, we won’t go out. But his company is enough to make me happy.

He called me beautiful.
Life is good.

ThoughtDuJour

When you're face down at the very bottom of who you are, and there is no formality or pretense to cling to, all your masks fall off. In this broken place, our lives can be seen for what they are, no more no less; we are ourselves.

WhileWeWait

It feels right
It feels wrong
It feels like when you have it, then it's gone
I want more
More and more
And if you steal the fire
Give me some
Cause the sun
Disobeys while it waits for a friend to arrive from the past
What holds us around, and around
While we wait

-- Jack Johnson

IWantToGet

High.
midnight skies and pencil hearts

freeway traffic lifting skirts
High.

+/-

kiss away the scratches
he's the coldest sun out there
she's the warmest winter
kiss away the scratches
our stares are lies are stares are lies
i cant stop thinking of us
kiss away the scratches
but don't come back
leave your own
but don't come back
so that he can kiss away yours
and leave his own
kiss away the scratches babe
but don't come back

IWantToHateYou

half as much as I hate myself
--- you know that I could crush you with my voice

IWantToDoSomethingTerriblyDangerous

By the end of the bout
He was punched out
Fists capsized, muscles shouting
Deeper down, he felt the insult of a kiss

-- Wilco

ThisIsAList

of what I want, most of which won't happen.




01. My Facebook account back.

02. No Rules.

03. Father to get Mother something nice for Valentines Day.

04. Money. Lots and lots of Money.

05. To Fly.

06. Super powers in general.

07. Ajaxx.

08. For Canada to win a few medals this Olympics.

09. A new snow board.

10. Contacts, preferably green.

11. Rihanna to dress modestly.

12. Easy grades.

13. A Cat.

14. For Liverpool to win against Wolverhampton Tomorrow (sorry Ajaxx).

15. My own house with speakers in the wall.

16. To blast the pursuit of happiness through speakers in the wall in my own house.

17. Sister 1 to come visit me.

18. Sister 2 to stop being so fucking good all the time.

19. Lady Gaga's sparking pointy boobs bra.

20. A Pukka Pie.

WtfBrain

it's really depressing how I'm finding it hard to think of things that aren't depressing. WTF brain!

BlackPeople

are gorgeous.

-- They all have high cheek bones,
--- They have super pretty jaw lines,
---- They have out of this world crazy hair.
----- and best of all, They have flawless skin.

Maybe I'm making generalizations, but I'm like LIME GREEN JELLO.

AfterThought

Fake? Probably. Insane? Yes. Painful? Definitely.

WhenIGrowUp

and living away from the family and getting on with my life;

I am going to live in London... or like, Manchester. Why does everyone hate it?
I am going to live in a really shitty flat - I'm not delusional, I know when I'm 22 I'll be flat broke.
I am not going to get high. Or get Drunk. Ever. Seriously, drunk people scare the shit out of me.

I am going to have a) the body I have now (which btw I’m super happy with), or b) an even better body (Y).

I am going to eat right, and by right I mean keep the chocolate levels at a minimum.

I am not going to be one of those ridiculous females who feel they’re only hot when they’re a size double zero have hair like Rachel in Friends and go through a string of men to find Mr. Right, and cry when they don’t.

Oh, and I’m going to go to work in a pencil skirt with glossy peep toe stilettos – every day, because pencil skirts are the best thing in the world.

Maybe it's a little far fetched, but I WILL make this happen.

RANT.

So to sum up the last long while, I’ve been taken out of my school, haven’t spoken to a single person that I LIKE for the last two weeks (house arrest by the rents), realized I’ll never see Ajaxx again thanks to mum and dad, realized my one sister is just an informant to my devious mother, the other sister is way too far away and would probably be an informant to my father if she was around, and my brothers are just .. there. Apart from missing the single person in my life who I actually looked forward to seeing, my mother has taken over MY facebook page, changed the password to that and my email, and is now going threw all my personal details and emails, messaging MY friends who I have no way of warning, and all the while pretending I can “talk to her”. Bullfuckingshit. Oh, not to mention they’re planning on sending me to a religious school where chances are I won’t learn anything, but have religion shoved down my throat with a ladel. A ladel? Is that the word? That big spoony thing that they use for soup.. you know what I mean.

BUT, I’m being positive. I know right, me, positive? What with all the depressing things I put up here there would be a fat chance, but here it is, my future: --NEXTPOST.